Titular Album

by The If Onlys

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Andrew Hilbert
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Andrew Hilbert this album instantly transports you to a smoky bar where the drinks are cheap and plentiful and everyone's enjoying everything. it's hilarious, it's fun, and it's perfect.
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credits

released July 18, 2015

Composed, written, arranged, performed, produced, and recorded by
The If Onlys, except
*The Man From Uncertain written by Luke Malone and Jen Hellow
*European based on Tu Vuo Fa L'Americano by Renato Carosone
*Safe Word written by The If Onlys with Theo Wiesehan
*Trumpet performed by Karissa McKelvey
Mastered by Jordan Geiger
Special thanks to Andrew Hilbert, Karissa McKelvey, and Jordan Geiger.

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The If Onlys Austin, Texas

Luke Malone - guitar, vocals, ukulele, accordion
Lollie Pascuolie - vocals, percussion
Nina Barker- violin,vocals
Justin Haynes - bass, tuba, vocals

Thus far, all band decisions have been made telepathically.
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Track Name: I Ain't Fooled and I Don't Mind
Where you goin', my darlin' dear,
at an hour so dreadful late?
I'm headed to my mama's house.
She's feelin' ill. Don't worry. Don't wait.
Awoo.

With more makeup on than a rodeo clown,
it ain't your mama's you headed to.
Tell Sancho I said howdy now,
but understand that I ain't fooled.
I ain't fooled.

Playin' solitaire in my underwear,
there's a million ways to spend my time.
Chain smokin', pie-pokin' without a care.
I want you to know that I don't mind.
I don't mind.

Tell me anything, anytime,
I ain't fooled and I don't mind.
Cuz you're so beautiful when you lie,
I ain't fooled and I don't mind.

You seemed to vanish honey-pie,
when we wuz at the saloon last night.
Oh, I was in the bathroom dear.
I wuz feelin' rough but now it's alright,
Awugh.

That waitress musta' been your kin.
Y'all sauntered off while I wuz shootin' pool.
You may have been in the bathroom, sure
but understand that I ain't fooled.
I ain't fooled.

I'm an expert now at drinkin' alone,
be it whiskey, beer, or a jug o' wine.
A cucumber knows how to walk me home.
I want you to know that I don't mind.
I don't mind.

Tell me anything, anytime,
I ain't fooled and I don't mind.
Cuz you're so beautiful when you lie,
I ain't fooled and I don't mind.
You're so beautiful when you lie.
I ain't fooled and I don't mind.
Track Name: You Wanna Be a European
you're bringing tights back into fashion
you take a holiday half the year
you're strutting round the streets of Omaha
with you're chin raised and a sneer

you wanna be a European, European, European
walkin' off you're freedom fries
want to be trendy, party till dawn
but digestif makes you yawn

you drink you're fanta
at the discotek
you spend your paycheck
on Gallioises
you call them fags anyway

you wanna be a European, European, European
but you were born in Omaha
it's a shame it's so faux-pas
stir it in your mirepoix
Wanna be from Europa, wanna be from Europa

you wanna be a European, European, European
but you were born in Omaha
it's a shame it's so faux-pas
stir it in your mirepoix
Wanna be from Europa, wanna be from Europa

Espresso, futbol, techno-pop
Track Name: Stanky Sweet
we carried our affair so discreetly
you gave your love to me so completely
you never knew a gal could stank so sweetly
but still you tried to run away

olly olfactory oxygen free
roses never smelled as sweet as me
you can run, you can hide, but you'll never be free
might as well kick off your shoes and stay

stanky sweet's got a hold on you
a hold on your brother and all your friends too
peter, peter, bloodsucking skeeter, junky on the street
can't stay away from my stanky sweet

oh my hoo-haw
zippedy-doo-dah
oh what a wonderful pain
see even when I lose I win
cause I know you're comin' round again

the stanky sweet's got you in a vise
sugar and spice, don't make me tell you twice
you gimme snips and snails then puppy don't get no treat
leave you starve for the stanky sweet

you brandish bravado and talk so loud
always showin' off whenever you're in a crowd
but behind closed doors you come with your head bowed
purring like a lion in a zoo

I don't need no chains to bind you to me
I crack my whip phermonally
I could go on a smelling spree
of parfum eau de you

oh my hoo-haw
zippedy-doo-dah
oh what a wonderful pain
see even when I lose I win
cause I know you're comin' round again

stanky sweet's got you under a spell
tossin' all your life down a wishing well
I don't need your lies, I got my own security
you're forever enchanted by my stanky sweet
Track Name: The Man From Uncertain
sure as gambling love the fool i had it all figured out
until i stumbled into that man's town
from the very first day that we did meet i lost what i was about
the man from uncertain got me down

absolutely, wasn't sure about him without whiskey
definitely, my mind wasn't too clear
irrefutably, his libido clouded my judgement to the fact
that the man from uncertain was a dumb idea

sometimes you have to tell a man how the cow eats the cabbage
his meemaw proselytized while his mammy chase pills with wine
hell, i neede a porter to help me carry that man's baggage
when the man from uncertain was mine

absolutely, wasn't sure about him without whiskey
definitely, my mind wasn't too clear
irrefutably, his libido clouded my judgement to the fact
that the man from uncertain was a dumb idea

he was all dollars and no sense, he was all hat and no cattle
he always shot for the wrong hole, bless his heart
he called me name i can't repeat but still i won the battle
when the man from uncertain and i fell apart

absolutely, wasn't sure about him without whiskey
definitely, my mind wasn't too clear
irrefutably, his libido clouded my judgement to the fact
that the man from uncertain was a dumb idea
Track Name: Pass It Round
my hand's were feeling frisky so I gave em work to do
like a monkey's paw they've rubbed me raw
and left me black and blue

my mouth was running wild so I let it go to seed
now it has grown all on its own
a garden of atrocities

pass it round, pass it round, let the bottle come this way
when all my wits have left me maybe alcohol will stay
gather round, gather round, and raise a glass up high
for life's a tale told by a fool, there ain't no reason why

my heart was getting restless so i let it out to play
now it ain't around cause that miserable hound
just up and ran away

and I took out my soul to wash it cause I thought it stunk
but oh what a drag, that miserable rag
when it ran through the dryer it shrunk

pass it round, pass it round, let the bottle come this way
when all my wits have left me maybe alcohol will stay
gather round, gather round, and raise a glass up high
for life's a tale told by a fool, there ain't no reason why

I put my brain in a bottle and threw it on out to sea
I hope someday it finds someone
who'll use it better than me
Track Name: Safe Word
my hands are tied behind my head
is that a bloodstain on the bed?
i hear the crack of whips and the sweet old sound
of stiletto heels on the ground and i'm gone
oh darlin' i'm gone

ain't no need to be nice
a kindly backhand would suffice
work me up beat me down
quit your pussyfootin' round and take me there
oh me oh my i'm there

the other night you were bitin' hard
in the morning left me scarred
the black eye needed some explaining
but don't get me wrong i ain't complaining
i'm just concerned
just a little concerned

safe word
we're gonna need a new safe word
i ain't so sure i can handle it so hard
safe word
gonna need a new safe word
cause this time it's gone a little too far

hardware and its use
milk it honey for all its juice
sounding sweet good vibrations
need a shower curtain for gold libations
works for me, squirtainly, it's workin' overtime

mary mary be contrary
i don't need no missionary
i find my light in the night
in the dungeon of your delight
and i'm free in these chains
hallelujah i'm free

put your face in my minge
handcuffs leave me unhinged
though i've couched it in comedic terms
i'm starting to feel a little concerned
i'm concerned. legitimately concerned

safe word
we're gonna need a new safe word
i ain't so sure i can handle it so hard
safe word
gonna need a new safe word
cause this time it's gone a little too far
Track Name: Cinderella Waltz
like a shoe made of glass or a dream thrown in the trash
i'm only so strong
fleeing the dances for fictitious romances, they'll all be mine
for a song

with the hour getting late i feel like an old mix tape
a relic of the past
shine though i may by the light of the day i'm losing my luster
so fast

and i wane, wane, wane by the waxing of the moon
and i turn, turn, turn into a pumpkin soon
and i dance, dance, dance till the slippers are gone
and i turn into a pumpkin till the dawn

i'm a music box ballerina, infinity's not a thing i do
i just dance when i'm wound
at the end of my reel i'm starting to feel a little bit slow
in my sound

i don't jump peak to peak. i wander through whispering creeks
in a flower filled valley
frolicking freely in fun loving folly i'm falling, i'm falling,i fall
to sleep

and i wane, wane, wane by the waxing of the moon
and i turn, turn, turn into a pumpkin soon
and i dance, dance, dance till the slippers are gone
and i turn into a pumpkin till the dawn

So before we go home, in duos, trios, or alone, give me a
kiss before you leave
we're not all prince charming it might be alarming for you to show up
with a shoe up your sleeve

let's get our kicks when we can, before we kick the can
or a bucket of sandman's dust
there'll be magic tomorrow, more joys and more sorrow,
get together for tea
surely we must

and i wane, wane, wane by the waxing of the moon
and i turn, turn, turn into a pumpkin soon
and i dance, dance, dance till the slippers are gone
and i turn into a pumpkin till the dawn
Track Name: The Waz
i thought i had seen so much
seen the world with my two eyes
thought i knew so much
thought i was learned and wise

but no, i don't know nothing
don't know nothing at all
no, i don't know nothing
don't know nothing at all, nothing at all, nothing at all

i thought i had seen the truth
and looked it squarely in the eye
thought i knew what it meant to be low
thought i knew what it meant to be high

but no, i don't know nothing
don't know nothing at all
no, i don't know nothing
don't know nothing at all, nothing at all, nothing at all

for when i listen to your story
and gaze so deep into your soul
i realize i know so little
such a small piece of the whole

but no, i don't know nothing
don't know nothing at all
no, i don't know nothing
don't know nothing at all, nothing at all, nothing at all

nothing at all
Track Name: Wednesday
My tears of sadness have barely dried
when tears of laughter take their place
when i think of how i cried, how i twisted up inside
how my broken bust of beethoven will never be replaced
you found another lady love
said she was from heaven above
but now your heart is full of woe
eating crow
reckon you should eat some crow

wednesday has come and gone but you still haven't learned
the difference between a wave and a bird
with just one eye open you'll never see
how sweet it feels to be free

my eyes won't hide the joy i feel inside
to know i'll never be replaced
with comic disposition i witness your transition
from a love to a fool to a waste
you pushed my heart to the brink
but now it's yours that's doomed to sink
through your judgement unatoned
like a stone
now your sinking like a stone

wednesday has come and gone but you still haven't learned
the difference between a wave and a bird
with just one eye open you'll never see
how sweet it feels to be free
Track Name: If My Gypsy Heart Could Love a Boy Like You From the Land of the Yellow Rose
if hearts were made of more than just muscle beating
if dreams were made of something more real like steel
they'd bend then break like the vows of a lover
promised to another
girl very much like me
our minds will wistfully wander like hobos, they'll go
anywhere where work and weather are fair, where any old thing goes,
if my gypsy heart could love a boy like you from the land of the yellow rose

if wine would flow like a river roaring
over the words we thoughtlessly whisper, i'd float
on downstream, under the cover of darkness to where
the albatross flies and
the stars shine so clear
throw your laughter and tears in a soup pot, you've got
meals around which friends can gather, after i go
if my gypsy heart could love a boy like you from the land of the yellow rose

if hearts were made of more than just muscle beating
if dreams were made of something more real like steel
they'd bend then break like the vows of a lover
promised to another
girl very much like me
our minds will wistfully wander like hobos, they'll go
anywhere where work and weather are fair, where any old thing goes,
if my gypsy heart could love a boy like you from the land of the yellow rose