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Titular Album

by The If Onlys

supported by
Andrew Hilbert
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Andrew Hilbert this album instantly transports you to a smoky bar where the drinks are cheap and plentiful and everyone's enjoying everything. it's hilarious, it's fun, and it's perfect.
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1.
Where you goin', my darlin' dear, at an hour so dreadful late? I'm headed to my mama's house. She's feelin' ill. Don't worry. Don't wait. Awoo. With more makeup on than a rodeo clown, it ain't your mama's you headed to. Tell Sancho I said howdy now, but understand that I ain't fooled. I ain't fooled. Playin' solitaire in my underwear, there's a million ways to spend my time. Chain smokin', pie-pokin' without a care. I want you to know that I don't mind. I don't mind. Tell me anything, anytime, I ain't fooled and I don't mind. Cuz you're so beautiful when you lie, I ain't fooled and I don't mind. You seemed to vanish honey-pie, when we wuz at the saloon last night. Oh, I was in the bathroom dear. I wuz feelin' rough but now it's alright, Awugh. That waitress musta' been your kin. Y'all sauntered off while I wuz shootin' pool. You may have been in the bathroom, sure but understand that I ain't fooled. I ain't fooled. I'm an expert now at drinkin' alone, be it whiskey, beer, or a jug o' wine. A cucumber knows how to walk me home. I want you to know that I don't mind. I don't mind. Tell me anything, anytime, I ain't fooled and I don't mind. Cuz you're so beautiful when you lie, I ain't fooled and I don't mind. You're so beautiful when you lie. I ain't fooled and I don't mind.
2.
you're bringing tights back into fashion you take a holiday half the year you're strutting round the streets of Omaha with you're chin raised and a sneer you wanna be a European, European, European walkin' off you're freedom fries want to be trendy, party till dawn but digestif makes you yawn you drink you're fanta at the discotek you spend your paycheck on Gallioises you call them fags anyway you wanna be a European, European, European but you were born in Omaha it's a shame it's so faux-pas stir it in your mirepoix Wanna be from Europa, wanna be from Europa you wanna be a European, European, European but you were born in Omaha it's a shame it's so faux-pas stir it in your mirepoix Wanna be from Europa, wanna be from Europa Espresso, futbol, techno-pop
3.
Stanky Sweet 02:43
we carried our affair so discreetly you gave your love to me so completely you never knew a gal could stank so sweetly but still you tried to run away olly olfactory oxygen free roses never smelled as sweet as me you can run, you can hide, but you'll never be free might as well kick off your shoes and stay stanky sweet's got a hold on you a hold on your brother and all your friends too peter, peter, bloodsucking skeeter, junky on the street can't stay away from my stanky sweet oh my hoo-haw zippedy-doo-dah oh what a wonderful pain see even when I lose I win cause I know you're comin' round again the stanky sweet's got you in a vise sugar and spice, don't make me tell you twice you gimme snips and snails then puppy don't get no treat leave you starve for the stanky sweet you brandish bravado and talk so loud always showin' off whenever you're in a crowd but behind closed doors you come with your head bowed purring like a lion in a zoo I don't need no chains to bind you to me I crack my whip phermonally I could go on a smelling spree of parfum eau de you oh my hoo-haw zippedy-doo-dah oh what a wonderful pain see even when I lose I win cause I know you're comin' round again stanky sweet's got you under a spell tossin' all your life down a wishing well I don't need your lies, I got my own security you're forever enchanted by my stanky sweet
4.
sure as gambling love the fool i had it all figured out until i stumbled into that man's town from the very first day that we did meet i lost what i was about the man from uncertain got me down absolutely, wasn't sure about him without whiskey definitely, my mind wasn't too clear irrefutably, his libido clouded my judgement to the fact that the man from uncertain was a dumb idea sometimes you have to tell a man how the cow eats the cabbage his meemaw proselytized while his mammy chase pills with wine hell, i neede a porter to help me carry that man's baggage when the man from uncertain was mine absolutely, wasn't sure about him without whiskey definitely, my mind wasn't too clear irrefutably, his libido clouded my judgement to the fact that the man from uncertain was a dumb idea he was all dollars and no sense, he was all hat and no cattle he always shot for the wrong hole, bless his heart he called me name i can't repeat but still i won the battle when the man from uncertain and i fell apart absolutely, wasn't sure about him without whiskey definitely, my mind wasn't too clear irrefutably, his libido clouded my judgement to the fact that the man from uncertain was a dumb idea
5.
my hand's were feeling frisky so I gave em work to do like a monkey's paw they've rubbed me raw and left me black and blue my mouth was running wild so I let it go to seed now it has grown all on its own a garden of atrocities pass it round, pass it round, let the bottle come this way when all my wits have left me maybe alcohol will stay gather round, gather round, and raise a glass up high for life's a tale told by a fool, there ain't no reason why my heart was getting restless so i let it out to play now it ain't around cause that miserable hound just up and ran away and I took out my soul to wash it cause I thought it stunk but oh what a drag, that miserable rag when it ran through the dryer it shrunk pass it round, pass it round, let the bottle come this way when all my wits have left me maybe alcohol will stay gather round, gather round, and raise a glass up high for life's a tale told by a fool, there ain't no reason why I put my brain in a bottle and threw it on out to sea I hope someday it finds someone who'll use it better than me
6.
Safe Word 04:26
my hands are tied behind my head is that a bloodstain on the bed? i hear the crack of whips and the sweet old sound of stiletto heels on the ground and i'm gone oh darlin' i'm gone ain't no need to be nice a kindly backhand would suffice work me up beat me down quit your pussyfootin' round and take me there oh me oh my i'm there the other night you were bitin' hard in the morning left me scarred the black eye needed some explaining but don't get me wrong i ain't complaining i'm just concerned just a little concerned safe word we're gonna need a new safe word i ain't so sure i can handle it so hard safe word gonna need a new safe word cause this time it's gone a little too far hardware and its use milk it honey for all its juice sounding sweet good vibrations need a shower curtain for gold libations works for me, squirtainly, it's workin' overtime mary mary be contrary i don't need no missionary i find my light in the night in the dungeon of your delight and i'm free in these chains hallelujah i'm free put your face in my minge handcuffs leave me unhinged though i've couched it in comedic terms i'm starting to feel a little concerned i'm concerned. legitimately concerned safe word we're gonna need a new safe word i ain't so sure i can handle it so hard safe word gonna need a new safe word cause this time it's gone a little too far
7.
like a shoe made of glass or a dream thrown in the trash i'm only so strong fleeing the dances for fictitious romances, they'll all be mine for a song with the hour getting late i feel like an old mix tape a relic of the past shine though i may by the light of the day i'm losing my luster so fast and i wane, wane, wane by the waxing of the moon and i turn, turn, turn into a pumpkin soon and i dance, dance, dance till the slippers are gone and i turn into a pumpkin till the dawn i'm a music box ballerina, infinity's not a thing i do i just dance when i'm wound at the end of my reel i'm starting to feel a little bit slow in my sound i don't jump peak to peak. i wander through whispering creeks in a flower filled valley frolicking freely in fun loving folly i'm falling, i'm falling,i fall to sleep and i wane, wane, wane by the waxing of the moon and i turn, turn, turn into a pumpkin soon and i dance, dance, dance till the slippers are gone and i turn into a pumpkin till the dawn So before we go home, in duos, trios, or alone, give me a kiss before you leave we're not all prince charming it might be alarming for you to show up with a shoe up your sleeve let's get our kicks when we can, before we kick the can or a bucket of sandman's dust there'll be magic tomorrow, more joys and more sorrow, get together for tea surely we must and i wane, wane, wane by the waxing of the moon and i turn, turn, turn into a pumpkin soon and i dance, dance, dance till the slippers are gone and i turn into a pumpkin till the dawn
8.
The Waz 03:10
i thought i had seen so much seen the world with my two eyes thought i knew so much thought i was learned and wise but no, i don't know nothing don't know nothing at all no, i don't know nothing don't know nothing at all, nothing at all, nothing at all i thought i had seen the truth and looked it squarely in the eye thought i knew what it meant to be low thought i knew what it meant to be high but no, i don't know nothing don't know nothing at all no, i don't know nothing don't know nothing at all, nothing at all, nothing at all for when i listen to your story and gaze so deep into your soul i realize i know so little such a small piece of the whole but no, i don't know nothing don't know nothing at all no, i don't know nothing don't know nothing at all, nothing at all, nothing at all nothing at all
9.
Wednesday 02:55
My tears of sadness have barely dried when tears of laughter take their place when i think of how i cried, how i twisted up inside how my broken bust of beethoven will never be replaced you found another lady love said she was from heaven above but now your heart is full of woe eating crow reckon you should eat some crow wednesday has come and gone but you still haven't learned the difference between a wave and a bird with just one eye open you'll never see how sweet it feels to be free my eyes won't hide the joy i feel inside to know i'll never be replaced with comic disposition i witness your transition from a love to a fool to a waste you pushed my heart to the brink but now it's yours that's doomed to sink through your judgement unatoned like a stone now your sinking like a stone wednesday has come and gone but you still haven't learned the difference between a wave and a bird with just one eye open you'll never see how sweet it feels to be free
10.
11.
if hearts were made of more than just muscle beating if dreams were made of something more real like steel they'd bend then break like the vows of a lover promised to another girl very much like me our minds will wistfully wander like hobos, they'll go anywhere where work and weather are fair, where any old thing goes, if my gypsy heart could love a boy like you from the land of the yellow rose if wine would flow like a river roaring over the words we thoughtlessly whisper, i'd float on downstream, under the cover of darkness to where the albatross flies and the stars shine so clear throw your laughter and tears in a soup pot, you've got meals around which friends can gather, after i go if my gypsy heart could love a boy like you from the land of the yellow rose if hearts were made of more than just muscle beating if dreams were made of something more real like steel they'd bend then break like the vows of a lover promised to another girl very much like me our minds will wistfully wander like hobos, they'll go anywhere where work and weather are fair, where any old thing goes, if my gypsy heart could love a boy like you from the land of the yellow rose

credits

released July 18, 2015

Composed, written, arranged, performed, produced, and recorded by
The If Onlys, except
*The Man From Uncertain written by Luke Malone and Jen Hellow
*European based on Tu Vuo Fa L'Americano by Renato Carosone
*Safe Word written by The If Onlys with Theo Wiesehan
*Trumpet performed by Karissa McKelvey
Mastered by Jordan Geiger
Special thanks to Andrew Hilbert, Karissa McKelvey, and Jordan Geiger.

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The If Onlys Austin, Texas

Luke Malone - guitar, vocals, ukulele, accordion
Lollie Pascuolie - vocals, percussion
Nina Barker- violin,vocals
Justin Haynes - bass, tuba, vocals

Thus far, all band decisions have been made telepathically.
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